A Very Dark Day

I write today with tears in my eyes, a major crying-headache, and a very heavy heart... Boy, I'll bet that makes you excited to read on!

This morning, at 9 we finally got official travel approval with the official confirmation of a consulate appointment. Yippee! We've been waiting all week, so we were thrilled. On to flight bookings and many errands as the time is short.

At 10:51, after spending the morning in prayer, I got a call from our adoption agency. I was surprised to hear the voice of our family coordinator instead of the travel coordinator with whom we've been busy arranging final details. Unfortunately, Melissa had some very disappointing news: we should not count on traveling next week because there is something up with our little girl's health. That was it. We don't know what is up, or how serious. We don't know when we might travel, and we have no way of knowing any of that until Monday morning in China, at the earliest.

Needless to say, I cannot, even now, 8 hours later, get my mind around all of this. I am so very sad. Actually, that doesn't accurately describe it - my heart feels like it has been trampled. I'm worried about this daughter of my heart who is all alone with no one who really loves her and she's sick. She needs her mommy. In the midst of this sadness, is the frustration of not having good information and not really knowing for sure when we'll get it.

Early this afternoon, we got another call from our agency filling in a few details (or maybe they are the same details, but the shock of the first call prohibited me from registering them, I don't know!) The orphanage director called the agency with the caution that she might not be healthy enough. This apparently has to be confirmed by the CCAA (Chinese gov. adoption officials) and we will hear on Monday or Tuesday, if the CCAA person is back from vacation in time. These are some of the potential options: we can come get her right away, we need to wait a bit to get her, or she is no longer adoptable at all (gasp! she's my baby girl!) and we would have to adopt another girl at some point in the months to come. The clarification was helpful yet horrifying and that's where we currently reside.

The kids came home from school, and the first words from their lips were "Any news? Is it official? Are we all going?" The sobbing that ensued from one big sister broke my heart yet again. Is there any end to this well of tears? As Marcus stood next to the crying heap of his women on the couch he said, "Mom, I'm not crying, but I'm still really sad." It is clear that these days will mark my children forever and when they tell stories to their children, they will surely tell this one.

I know that God is good and that He sees the whole picture while I can only see through my little lens. I know Meilynn is not actually alone, but He is with her and loves her way more than I do. I'm trying to find that place of peace and rest, but man it's hard, especially with the crying-headache going on. Pray for that! I have always been rather on the controlling side, so I wonder if this is God's way of making me let go. My illusion of control is rather ridiculous in light of my Sovereign God. This, however is easy to write about, but not so easy to feel.

This weekend will probably be torture in some ways, but Jesus was tortured, so who am I to complain! I'm in good company. Please pray for us...That God would be our sustenance, that Meilynn would be healed, and that we would know our God better.

Honestly, writing this all down has helped. Thanks for reading.