Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Nothing really new...

Well, it has been a while since I wrote, as there has been little to report. We have been waiting, going about normal life, and healing a little. The crying has decreased and I can go about my days without thinking about her constantly.

On the official side of things, a very little bit has been happening. The CCAA had to officially call off the previous adoption, which requires paperwork (and is thankfully done). Then, they have to approve an exception for us to be granted a specific referral instead of being thrown back into the pool to have to fight for the few minor special need cases that come up every month. This approval is assured, but it yet again requires paperwork. As the officials in charge of this approval were touring in America last week, we don't think this part has been officially approved yet. There isn't any way to know for sure though, as... guess what?! The CCAA is taking a holiday until October 12th. Just our luck. (If I don't laugh, I will surely scream.)

To sum up, it will probably be a while. We are not happy about this, but oddly, we are becoming accustomed to disappointing news. Keep praying for us and for Meilynn.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Today is not easier

Spontaneous outbreaks of tears are both messy and tiresome. It seems it might get more difficult before it starts to get better. We were supposed to fly out tonight, so tonight feels kind of icky. I can't imagine what Friday morning will feel like as that was supposed to be 'gotcha day'.

The latest news I got from the agency is this: "The CCAA said they have to wait for an official letter from the orphanage (withdrawing your previous adoption) before they can officially try to find a new referral for you. The CCAA also mentioned they feel it will take a “longer time, not the next group” to find a referral." Oh goody. More waiting.

OK, so keep praying. That's all I've got.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Back to square one.

After a very long weekend with no information from our adoption agency, I finally got a call this morning. Very sad news. This little girl we had our hearts set on is not to be ours. The China Center for Adoption Affairs has removed her from the adoptable list because her development is so far behind. From the records we have and what they're saying now, she has regressed substantially since the spring. She is no longer standing or responding to her own name. My heart breaks for her. She probably just needs a mommy and a daddy to love her and she would grow and advance, but we are not to be them. It is very difficult to picture her languishing in an orphanage forever, never really becoming the woman she could have become. Makes me wondere what God has planned for her.

I am quite sad, butI got a head start on the grieving on Friday and over the weekend. Honestly, I expected this type of outcome. I tried hard not to expect anything, but, as I'm sure you understand, that is usually next to impossible. I'm also feeling somewhat relieved to finally have information. It was difficult not knowing.

How do we proceed? Well, China and our agency will make extra efforts to get us a new referral that fits our special needs requests as quickly as they can. What that means timewise is really hard to predict. We could have a referral tomorrow or it could take a month or two. It always depends on the little girls they have available and what their special needs are. Hopefully we'll travel before our expensive visas expire in February.

So, again, we wait. One of my favorite verses in the book of Isaiah is 64:4. It says, "No eye has seen a God besides You who acts on behalf of the one who waits for Him." It seems like we're waiting on China or our agency or on a child, but that's not really where it's at. We need to be waiting for Him to act. That is the only thing worth waiting for. No matter what my feelings tell me, I really do want to wait for Him to do this His way.

Thanks again for reading. I will post any updates. If you could still remember us in your prayers, that would be fabulous.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Very Dark Day

I write today with tears in my eyes, a major crying-headache, and a very heavy heart... Boy, I'll bet that makes you excited to read on!

This morning, at 9 we finally got official travel approval with the official confirmation of a consulate appointment. Yippee! We've been waiting all week, so we were thrilled. On to flight bookings and many errands as the time is short.

At 10:51, after spending the morning in prayer, I got a call from our adoption agency. I was surprised to hear the voice of our family coordinator instead of the travel coordinator with whom we've been busy arranging final details. Unfortunately, Melissa had some very disappointing news: we should not count on traveling next week because there is something up with our little girl's health. That was it. We don't know what is up, or how serious. We don't know when we might travel, and we have no way of knowing any of that until Monday morning in China, at the earliest.

Needless to say, I cannot, even now, 8 hours later, get my mind around all of this. I am so very sad. Actually, that doesn't accurately describe it - my heart feels like it has been trampled. I'm worried about this daughter of my heart who is all alone with no one who really loves her and she's sick. She needs her mommy. In the midst of this sadness, is the frustration of not having good information and not really knowing for sure when we'll get it.

Early this afternoon, we got another call from our agency filling in a few details (or maybe they are the same details, but the shock of the first call prohibited me from registering them, I don't know!) The orphanage director called the agency with the caution that she might not be healthy enough. This apparently has to be confirmed by the CCAA (Chinese gov. adoption officials) and we will hear on Monday or Tuesday, if the CCAA person is back from vacation in time. These are some of the potential options: we can come get her right away, we need to wait a bit to get her, or she is no longer adoptable at all (gasp! she's my baby girl!) and we would have to adopt another girl at some point in the months to come. The clarification was helpful yet horrifying and that's where we currently reside.

The kids came home from school, and the first words from their lips were "Any news? Is it official? Are we all going?" The sobbing that ensued from one big sister broke my heart yet again. Is there any end to this well of tears? As Marcus stood next to the crying heap of his women on the couch he said, "Mom, I'm not crying, but I'm still really sad." It is clear that these days will mark my children forever and when they tell stories to their children, they will surely tell this one.

I know that God is good and that He sees the whole picture while I can only see through my little lens. I know Meilynn is not actually alone, but He is with her and loves her way more than I do. I'm trying to find that place of peace and rest, but man it's hard, especially with the crying-headache going on. Pray for that! I have always been rather on the controlling side, so I wonder if this is God's way of making me let go. My illusion of control is rather ridiculous in light of my Sovereign God. This, however is easy to write about, but not so easy to feel.

This weekend will probably be torture in some ways, but Jesus was tortured, so who am I to complain! I'm in good company. Please pray for us...That God would be our sustenance, that Meilynn would be healed, and that we would know our God better.

Honestly, writing this all down has helped. Thanks for reading.